The beginning
Ever since I was in kindergarten I have struggled with an anxiety disorder. I remember being in kindergarten worried because I didn't have all my pencils or I terrified of missing school because of being sick or even just being so upset because I had to leave my family. I vividly remember my teachers talking to me and trying to calm me down. I'm sure they just figured I was just young and was upset. However, it grew with me and got worse as I have gotten older.
Is there a switch to turn this off?
I figured this should be the first topic I go over because this is something I have struggled with my entire life and tried to hide from. Anxiety to me feels like never having one breaking second of peace or mental clarity. I constantly am in fear of failing, abandonment, not being good enough, or just the fears of the past. Anxiety has been one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with and that's saying something. It just became something I grew so used to. You can't outgrow it, you can't just turn it off, it is something that is always chasing you no matter how fast you run. Anxiety is kind of like the devil on my shoulder... it's that fake reminder that everything you are doing is wrong, that your significant other doesn't love you, that you aren't smart, that you aren't loved. It is hard because that little tiny voice inside me knows that none of those things are true, yet I just can't seem to run fast enough from it. I could be doing everything in my life right and yet I still have that constant fear that I'm doing it all wrong. It is hard for me to talk about this and I don't know why considering anxiety has been with me all my life. The feelings and emotions that I have are just so hard to explain..
Anyone that knows me whether it's family, friends, even teachers knows that I have always needed validation when it comes to anything. I literally need to be slapped across the face with validation to think I am doing okay in life and that I am not doing everything wrong. If you pay enough attention to me you can tell that my mind is always running. I'm constantly apologizing for asking the same question over and over, I'm apologizing for asking my teachers to reword that question to me, I'm apologizing to my SO for asking him if he loves me for the tenth time today. It is definitely something that I feel so many people throughout my life have overlooked and has manipulated me into thinking that the feelings I have are invalid and that I'm "dramatic". You do not understand anxiety until you have it. It is so frustrating to hear, "can you please stop worrying?" or the classic "you are just overthinking" .. Like, thank you for letting me know that, I will take that into consideration and stop thinking just for you.
Coping
Since I and my dear friend Anxiety have spent so much time together I have learned how to get along with it (sometimes). When I was in high school and I was peaking in some of the worst times of my life, I needed to do something. I hated the idea of getting on medicine and wasn't consistent enough to do so. Consistency plays a big factor in my coping ways but that's a whole other post. Trust me, we will get into that. Anyways, I was a soul believer that "I shouldn't have to take a handful of pills to be normal". I tried to take medicine but literally would take it for two days and throw it in the trash. I certainly did not want to go talk to someone because why would I try to justify me worrying about something that happened ten years ago to a stranger? How do you even bring that up to someone.. "Hello, when I was six I went up the down escalator and got yelled at by the mall employee do you think you can help me not worry about that?" Yes, that is something that I genuinely worry about. You may be laughing, but the people that get it, get it.
Coping to me means learning how to get through every day and to run fast enough to get away from it. Although I am not a track star, I have gotten pretty ahead of anxiety. Something I do to help me is to have a routine. A routine is different for everyone. A routine that I stick to is my haircare and skincare. How does that help? Well, it helps me and that's what makes this such a hard thing to try to give advice about. Whether it is waking up at the same time every day, to going to work consistently. You can keep doing those things that work for you and it personally makes you feel semi-normal and it makes my anxiety go down because I feel like I don't let anxiety stop me from doing "normal" things.
Something else that has truly helped me and I can not believe I am even saying this because I was such an anti-medicine person. Last year, around September I started my freshman year in college, I moved out of my hometown, and was adapting to a new world. I was faced with a lot of things and was in a bad place mentally. One day I woke up and literally was just so exhausted from pushing everyone and everything good away because of the fears that I have. I have been consistently taking
anxiety medication for months and I have never felt like this before. It was definitely hard starting because I am not consistent. However, I do see a big change. I am thankful I put my pride to the side and reached out for some help.
Another thing that has always helped me with everything is writing about how I feel or just doing some classic creative
writing. I never really stuck with it but it has always been an outlet for me to be creative and ramble and not feel annoying for it. For example, I remember being in 7th grade my teacher made us all have a journal. That journal to me was so much more important than I think it was to anyone else. (If my 7th-grade teacher reads this, thank you) I loved it I remember writing about stupid stuff. I even did a whole journal entry about the one leaf on the tree outside my window. I'm starting to ramble, but why this helps me is because I can put the negative feelings and things that I observe into something positive. Writing is like talking to a wall and you can get all your feelings out without having criticism. I am in great hopes that this blog can also be a positive thing for me to dump my feelings into.
Outrunning
Although I will never be able to get away from my dear friend Anxiety, I have worked so hard to deal with it. I stopped letting it control my life. I stopped letting it control my relationships. I stopped letting it control my work. I had to. I would not have graduated, gone to college, nothing if I didn't stop letting it control me. I literally was in a constant battle and I still am but I am doing better. I will forever struggle, but I am certain that I can hopefully maintain it forever. I am thankful to have an amazing support system and to have people in my life that do not invalidate my feelings and let me be me. Thank you to the friends that stood by me during my ongoing journey.
If you are reading this and you can relate or understand, I hope you learn to outrun it and I hope this gives you enlightenment that you are not alone. If you are reading this and think I sound crazy, that's ok too, I am happy you don't understand.
Sincerely,
The person who worries too
Disclaimer: Everyone is different and I do not expect everyone to relate. These are just my personal experiences and some things that help me. I have linked a national hotline below that is free and confidential for individuals or families that are struggling with mental disorders.
Perfectly said.
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